Len

Focul nu arde, gandurile nu trosnesc in jar. Sunt ascunse si tacute. E tacere, nu liniste. E intuneric, nu lumina. Aduse in focus, unul cate unul gandurile ard, consuma cenusa, materialul durerii. Atunci cand nu mai e nici un gand, e liniste, e lumina. (more…)

O vama, sau un fel de purgatoriu. Vamesul pare englez, cu o uniforma perfecta care are tunica din material de pulover cu umeri. Albastra, cu cateva insemne discrete. Pare mai mult un profesor asezat la catedra intr-o camera care seamana mult cu o sala de clasa paraginita. In fata lui pe masa sunt multe instrumente. Par mai mult instrumente de alchimist din secolul 19, negre, lucioase cu striatii aurii, cu forme mai mult artistice decat functionale. Lucreaza de zor la niste cuburi de 30 cm. E o sursa de energie. Inauntru lor mai multe filtre paralele se intersecteaza sfidand fizica pe 2 directii. Unele din ele sunt topite, consumate, trebuie schimbate. Cateva filtre topite stau pe masa. Desi innegrite imi aduc cumva aminte de zlavia prajitura din miere si faina. Suntem mai multi in sala ca de clasa, asteptand sa intram intr-o lume mai buna. (more…)

On my street there was today a woman dressed all in red. She was using a red vacuum cleaner to clean up a red car.

Did you ever wondered where did all the material from the holes in the road went? It’s easy, just take your bicycle, you will find it all in the small path on the side of the road, which is usually the only “bicycle” road you have.

I went indoor climbing. I went once and I liked it. If I will go 4 times I will get a subscription, after a month of used subscription I will think about buying some gear. Then why some people buy their gear before going even once?

Unfortunately you always need someone to belay you. (more…)

Today I’ve decided to install an updated version of a complicated perl webapp (won’t name it). After compiling libraries, installing packages, installing cpan packages, recompiling, matching version, checking for compilation errors I realized almost 4h had passed and I was still at the dependencies. 1h later the application was installed but still a bug had to be found. So I began searching on the web again. Then it struck me. How much time did I loose in my life compiling, installing, searching for bugs and incompatibles versions? I think it was too much. So I decided to enjoy my weekend and closed the computer. 30 mins later I was opening it again …

Do you remember falling in the snow, the moment of letting go, the moment of touch and then the moment of peace? Surrounded by white snow, looking to the sky? Do you remember, as a child feeling the snow or the grass surrounding your body as you where looking at the clouds or the birds? These days we are stiff and cannot let go but I had once again the childhood feeling of floating in the snow as the white flakes gently hold my hole body. The snow can make us fly as a magical hand lifting us, taking us up to the sky. I want to lay floating in the snow.

Floating

I was cycling around the forest with T. as we did in high school. He was still ridding his old, blue bike with red wires coming out his settle. The leaves were covering the ground yet it was not autumn. In a clearing, on the top of a small hill somewhat deep into the forest we found a church, maybe a cathedral. It seemed buried into the ground and there were 2 distinct parts coming out. A round, glass covered tower and a rectangular part which could have hold a clock tower. Yet there was no entry. Now on foot we circled around the round building coming out of the ground, finding no entry then moved to the next building to find a small staircase going down into the hill. A priest was just opening the small door at the other end. (more…)

I was asking myself today about jobs and young people searching for one. I found so many false patterns. We live in a world where nobody goes to the biology or physics university because (s)he dreams to eradicate a disease or grow food or invent teleportation. They go there because they failed to join the commerce academy as their most intense dream is to work in a bank. They dream to have a work car and a work phone and a secretary. They dream to be managers.

And that dream is such a waste, such a trap. The manager is most of the time filling the shoes of the guy with the drum or the whip in the old sea movies with a ship full of slaves paddling.  It does not have more freedom, just more money. And money is nothing else than another trap. As we forgot to wish for things we need but for the money which is implied in the process. And as such we forget to think of smarter ways to acquire those things. And we forgot that our time should be more precious that the money as that time, that minute we spend waiting for the bell is the only minute we’ll ever get. And how could it be difference since we learn to wait for the bell since school, in preparation for what’s to come.

I try to look and find some meaning in all those ties and suits and cars and I cannot find nothing. All those eager people enrolling each day for a life full of false desires. Nobody asks. Stop, stop to learn, to enjoy life.  Work is just a mean not a purpose. It took me so long to understand that. And the price is still not payed in full.

In fundul gradinii stiam ca trece un rau mare dar niciodata nu ma gandisem prea mult la el, doar ca in dimineata asta vroiam sa fac o supa de peste si chiar daca toti au ras de mine mi-am injghebat un mecanism facut dintr-o plasa de plastic cu mici impunsaturi de ac (ca sa se scurga apa) si agatata de o sarma. Cu un pic de neincredere m-am intins pe ponton si am cufundat plasa in apa tragand-o apoi cu miscari circulare ca sa ramana deschisa. Pregatit pentru o lunga asteptare incepusem sa remarc un tantar care imi dadea ture dar am revenit destul de usor asupra plasei. Doar cateva ture si am tras-o afara ca sa vad cu uimire ca e plina cu pestisori. Am inceput sa strig apoi dupa o galeata in timp ce tineam plasa ridicata in sus ca un trofeu. Dupa cateva strigari cineva s-a prezentat cu o plasa alba in care am inceput sa transfer peste cu peste, 2, 3, … 5. Am cufundat din nou mecanismul sub ponton si din nou l-am ridicat, dupa cateva miscari circulare, plin cu peste. De data asta putea si sa vad, concentrandu-ma putin, numarul mare de pesti care dadeau tarcoale picioarelor pontonului. Am ridicat din nou plasa, de data asta plina cu pesti mari pe care am inceput sa-i transfer in punga cea mare care in curand s-a umplut. Am ramas astfel cu un mare peste pe care nu mai stiam unde sa-l pun. M-am intors spre apa si l-am aruncat inapoi. Nu s-a scufundat insa. Mirat m-am aplecat pana la nivelul apei unde zacea un mare covor de cauciuc chiar sub nivelul apei. Aplecat pe ponton am inceput sa-l misc ca sa o ia la vale. Am reusit destul de usor ca sa observ ca in dreapta s-a deschis o caverna plina cu gunoaie unde a curs aproape toata apa inclusiv covorul de cauciuc. Chiar sub el insa era inca unul si inca unul. Le-am impins unul cate unul la vale pana cand dedesupt nu mai era decat pietris si un firicel de apa care se scurgea si el in caverna gaunoasa. Din spatele meu incepura atunci sa sara la vale, ca pe un tobogan oameni. Unul cate unul alunecau la vale in gaura al carui fund nu se vedea in adancime. Am ramas trist pe ponton incuranjand firicelul de apa in care un peste bolnav, cu pete rosii statea blocat in niste pietre inainte sa cada si el pe toboganul captusit cu covoare de cauciuc.

Am inceput anul cufundat in liniste, poate mai multa ca niciodata. Liniste si chef de lucruri, chef de invatat. A fost liniste si apoi liniste si apoi frica de liniste. Mi-a fost frica de momentul in care totul e ok, totul e bine cand abandonezi incet incet sa schimbi universul si schimbi doar din tine pana cand totul e ok. Pe urma mi-am revenit din nou la liniste cu un ochi mai atent. Si linistea are o cale de mijloc. Sunt atatea lucruri pe care le-am inteles in ultimii ani, lucruri pe care ar fi trebuit sa le invat inainte de toate celelalte daca educatia ar fi si altceva decat o pregatire pentru munca fara gandire si frica. Oare cum o mai fi scoala acum? Mai e si altceva in afara de tristete? Tristetea de a nu avea niciodata destul, tristetea de a nu avea mai mult, mai nou, niciodata de ajuns.

Incercam sa explic azi unui doctor ca daca vrei sa slabesti trebuie doar sa mananci mai putin si ca daca dintr-odata iti schimbi ritmul de viata si esti mai sedentar e normal sa mananci mai putin. O incercare degeaba. Omul, care castigase multe kg in ultimul timp imi argumenta ca sa slabesti e un semn de boala … Cuvinte si argumente se izbeau de un zid de ceata, adevarata resemnare.

Am revenit apoi din nou la liniste, as vrea sa am linistea sa vad lucrurile care merita intelese si invatate. Uneori mi se pare ca trebuie doar un strop in plus ca sa vezi firele pe care le ignori in viteza mare.