The trade of pain

It’s now one year since the day I woke up with my legs blocked and in pain. I have thought a lot about this and it changed my perspective in more than one way. Yet it was not the disgust of the doctors, the lack of diagnosis, the trial and error which guided me through this experience. The only certitude during all this was in the form of the constant pain.
My mind went from despair to loneliness but in the end I think the gain was stronger than the pain. In a form or another, the pain never went away, and moved from articulation to articulation with less or more strength and is present everywhere now.
Of course there was hope, there where doctor after doctor and medicine after medicine but the truth is that only the mind and the warmth gave me some relief. Even in the heat of the summer when I could almost forget about the pain and I cycled and cycled as much as I could the pain remained somewhere around the corner of the inner eye as a remainder of the more pain to come.
And this remainder was something I never had before, a constant display of the ticking clock of my life. This clock gave me more energy and determination than I had in a very long time as it was the goal to change, to improve, to enjoy.
Now, each day, I wake up and live through the day with the ticking pain in my knees, back, hand or neck and I constantly trade for myself. I trade for more joy and for more warm sun. And in the night I can go to sleep thinking that if I wake up, and I can walk then I should pay more attention to the ticking clock as it goes dimmer and dimmer if I don’t remember to think about a sunny sky and a tree in a garden.

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