Posts Tagged ‘knees’

Being positive

I have actively searched for a solution and a cause to my articular problems, mostly in the knees region, for at least 5 years. I have visited numerous doctors: orthopedics, bone surgeons, rheumatologists. I have received numerous hypothesis, treatments and medications yet none had a clear cause. So when I visited a rheumatologist last month I only hoped to gain a new, small piece in the puzzle. Yet I received a new set of tests and for the first time one came out positive. I am HLA B27 positive.

(more…)

Sanatate la pachet

Am fost din nou la medic pentru genunchi. Un alt medic, alte sperante. Mi-am facut lectiile, am studiat, am pregatit totul pentru o discutie serioasa. Am asteptat pe hol, am intrat. Consultul a durat putin, se formase deja o teorie restul n-a mai fost interesant, nici pregatirea, nici analizele. Ce mai conteaza si alte simptome, diagnosticul este pus, definitiv, pecetluit. Ce conteaza ca e un diagnostic nou, inca unul din lista de diagnostice diferite. Fiecare medic, 5 – 10 minute, diagnosticul e gata, solutia exista mai mult sau mai putin. Atatia medici, atatea diagnostice, mai putine solutii. Am asteptat o saptamana pentru 5 minute. Dar ce ma pot astepta mai mult? Pentru medic o zi are multe bucati de 5 – 10 minute. Un sir intreg de pacienti, de diagnostice. Banda rulanta a medicinei moderne. Ce te poti astepta de la omul medic, el e la job, trebuie sa vada n pacienti pe zi. O afacere ca oricare alta, timp, bani, marketing, vanzari. Nu uita sa iei reteta pentru Atrostop, Sinotab, YogaFlex … Acelasi continut (glucozamina), alt furnizor. Ma duc acasa si-mi fac o piftie mai bine.

About pain

“Life is pain”. I used to joke this way sometimes about my pain. A few years ago when it first came, in my knees and bones I was taken by suprise, I was angry and I revolted against it. I searched for ways to go around it, to fight it. This was the first understanding of my body from this perspective. Then it was the knowledge and acceptance of pain. I accepted it and used it as a fuel. The pain made my life burn faster and brighter. It gave me focus. I used the pain to grow. For some time it was almost gone but it always came back as a short reminder of the nature of fragility. Sometimes I was too busy to notice it or just ignored it but it always made it’s point clear. Then in a moment it came back riding the cold wind and wet stones. Again I want to open my mouth and scream but I don’t dare. I don’t dare to recognize it, to acknowledge it. I fear that the simple acknowledgment will give it more strenght. So the pain is here, close, silent compagnion. I respect the sharp, the soft, the lingering pain and with it I feel older. Yet I apreciate it as a good teacher of life.

Remember the pain

N-am putut sa rezist si am iesit cu toacla la putina zapada. Am asteptat intunericul si lipsa traficului si am iesit. Brrr, dar echipat bine nu auzeam decat scartaitul rotilor pe baltile inghetate. Deoadata mi-am adus aminte. O durere ascutita, intensa. In interiorul genunchilor mei rotitele au ruginit si nu mai pot a fi unse. Se misca cu greu si dor. Dor de frig. Sa nu uit durerea care imi aduce aminte sa ma bucuram de un tufis acoperit de zapada si de o noapte inghetata in care pe aleile pusti se aud doar rotile a doua biciclete calcand stropii de chiciura si zapada.

n+1

If someone would have asked me some time ago how it is to feel trapped I would most certainly have said that I think there are 2 types of traps: external and internal. External traps are physical ones and internal traps are mental traps. I would have also probably said that I think that in the end all traps must somehow be reflected as mental traps and by escaping the mental trap one would be also “free” of the external one. As people are trapped inside their minds, their cycling thoughts they behave as 2D objects and they see only 2 directions which are both blocked. In fact the mind gives a n+1 dimension to everything thus allowing you to move freely in that n+1 direction and escape the trap. I think this is how I perceive illumination and meditation. You just allow yourself to acknowledge the extra dimension and free yourself from the others.

I am now trapped as my knees hurt and I can barely move. I feel trapped in my body and I do not know if this is an external or internal trap. If it is external then it means I am classifying my body outside myself. If it is internal then it should be solvable just by analysis and decomposition. I do not know the answer and I feel trapped as I am not sure that solving the problem at mental level will also affect the external level. One can ignore the pain but will this make the pain disappear?